A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
