Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
