I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
