I puked a lego.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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