Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
