don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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