I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
