i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
