im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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