I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
wow bdsm is so cute
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
