I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
