note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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