So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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