Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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