Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
