On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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