Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
