last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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