I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
