yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
