I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
A+ Viking dick
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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