He is such a slut. More and more my type.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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