cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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