She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
