I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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