From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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