while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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