Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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