I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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