Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
