There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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