Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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