either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
