how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
