It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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