Moan for me like Helen Keller
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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