She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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