Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
