I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
