I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
