Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
