Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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