Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
