I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
