yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
