you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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