I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
