Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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