Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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