Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
